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16th January 2010

11:56pm: welcome back
I forgot about livejournal. All this facebook and myspace junk, it's just people stalking strangers. This was the true stuff here. Friends really connecting, sharing, inspiring. However, I'm not feeling inspired right now. My life is not exciting. In fact, Nick and I both fell asleep on the couch watching football tonight. Now we're awake again and can't wait to go back to bed.

Another great thing about livejournal is that I can whine about work and my coworkers won't see it. On Facebook, I have to be careful because nearly everyone I work with is my 'friend' including my boss's boss. My next bad day at work, I promise to type my complaints for Frank the goat.
Current Mood: tired

17th January 2007

11:07pm: i figure i'll update here about serious things. myspace is scary, everyone reads that and i just want to vent, you know.

i'm really hating nick lately. i can't stand the way he talks to me anymore. he used to be so caring and understanding. he was never mean to me before. the last 6 months or so have been total hell. tonight i told him i forgot to take the blockbuster movie back and asked if he could do it tomorrow before noon. he said it wasn't due back until friday, but i thought he said thursday. so i said, i thought you said it was due back on thursday...and he freaked out yelling at me about why can't you just fucking listen to me when i talk to you. i just stood there with my jaw dropped. so i cried in the bedroom for a while. i couldn't believe he would scream at me like that over a misunderstanding about a damn movie rental. earlier this week he told me 'shut the hell up you stupid mother fucker' because i told him not to park on a certain side of the driveway. i don't want to be married to him anymore. but i don't want to give up either. i want to get counseling, but then again i don't want to waste anymore time. i feel like i'm getting abused, you know. he's not punching me or throwing me down stairs, but i'm getting hurt just the same.

i can't trust him anymore. i gave him a second chance because he said it would never happen again. i was just starting to heal from it when he did it again. he said this time that he wishes he could promise it wouldn't happen again. he wishes?! there should be no doubt in his mind that he won't cheat on me again. i can say with full confidence that i will not cheat on him. why is it so hard for him?

this sucks so much. he's hurt me so much. i know a divorce won't heal me, but it will keep the wounds from getting bigger. i'm 23, my life can't be this way anymore.

30th July 2006

7:21pm: the boulders are rolling
i'm not dead either. i've just been busy and stressed out. i got an offer for a promotion at work. i'd be the operations manager, which is what i've wanted to be since my first week at the men's wearhouse. the problem is, the job is in mansfield, about an hour drive one way. so that would be roughly 110 miles a day, 5 days a week. that's a lot of gas money and wear and tear on my car. so i've decided if they don't give me at least 13.50 an hour plus gas money, i'm not taking it. i'm asking for 15 an hour plus gas. anyway, i'll find out and make my final decision later this week.

my parents are getting divorced. it's been a long time coming and my mom is relieved, but scared. she hasn't lived alone since she was 19 and she gets really scared by herself at night. they're still working out the details and it's been really stressful on everyone. my dad has been drinking more than ever and he's just a wreck. i won't get into all the stories and details about the divorce or the reason for it, but it all just sucks. if my dad could stay sober, maybe they could be civil about the whole thing. my dad has been a monster and it's heartbreaking to watch him do this to himself. my mom will be okay. nick has already pledged to help her with anything and everything. my mom actually talks to nick about it all more than she talks to me.

on a happier note, me and nick have a lot of fun things going on the next couple weeks. august 2nd we're going to blossom to see dmb. august 5, 6, and 7 we're going down to cincinnati for our 2 year aniversary. on the 6th, we're getting together with all our friends and coworkers from cinci and taking a riverboat ride (booze cruise) on the B and B riverboat. i'm so excited to see everybody i've been missing for all these months. on the 11th, we're leaving for myrtle beach and won't be back until the 21st. i can't wait. we really need to get away from everything and just relax with each other and enjoy our time together.

ber
Current Mood: blah

18th March 2006

8:21pm: no one will ever know why
one of my friends killed himself. i saw him at northside bar in akron on thursday night and he was fine. he was having a good time and seemed fine. he left the bar around 3, had a fight with his girlfriend in the car on the way home and she dropped him off at his parent's house where he wanted to go. a while later he called her and said 'see you in hell,' hung up and shot himself in the head. his younger brother came home and found him, he was still alive but couldn't talk. he took his last few breaths and he was gone. he has a little baby with his girlfriend. no one will ever know why or what he could have been thinking. no fight with a girlfriend could be bad enough to make you kill yourself, especially when you have a kid.

i've been going through a lot of stages with his death. when i first found out i was sobbing and crying. after the crying i was in a kind of daze from shock, just staring not really thinking about anything. for a little while i just wanted to hug everyone and call everyone i've ever known and talk about it and tell them how much i love them. then i got pissed at him. i just don't get it. it's so selfish to take yourself away from people that love you. he could have worked it out, whatever it was.

i can't imagine being his girlfriend, the last words she heard were so aweful. she will blame herself for the rest of her life and her baby won't have a father. his brother is going to need counseling, for sure. to see your brother with a hole in his head, taking his last breath...he'll never get over that. he'll see it everytime he walks into his house, everytime he closes his eyes, every minute he's awake, he will see it. i don't know what to do or what to say. i just keep shaking my head and wondering what he was thinking. he must have been out of his mind.

i haven't talked to my brother about it yet. brandon was closer to him than i was. he hasn't come home or called. i'm sure he's going through what everyone is going through. and i wish he'd call so we could talk about it.

jd was buddies with him and his brother. he's coming into town on friday. he'll probably miss the funeral, but it's the soonest he could get here. we're all getting together sunday night, just to be together.

i have all these pictures of him that i don't know what to do with. part of me wants to put them away so i don't have to see them, part of me wants to give them all to his girlfriend and family, and part of me wants to just stare at them and cry.

and no matter what, when someone dies, you always think 'at least it wasn't my...' like, his girlfriend is thinking at least it wasn't my son, and his mother is thinking at least it wasn't my husband. i can't help but to see it that way. at least it wasn't nick, at least it wasn't lindsay or wendy or jd, at least it wasn't my brother. and i don't think that's selfish. i do it everytime someone dies. when nick's friend died, i grieved, but i was thinking at least it wasn't my best friend. when my grandpa died i thought at least it wasn't my dad. it's this huge circle. you know everyone you love is going to die. each time one of them goes, you're glad it wasn't your favorite. when does it come time for your favorite? you won't know until it's here. and you'll know that someone close to you is thinking, at least it wasn't my husband. and you'll be okay with that and you'll tell them to really live life with them, not to take them for granted, and that you'll be there for them when they lose their favorite.

i keep reliving every memory i have of him. i've never seen him angry, i've never seen him sad. he's smiling always, in every thought of him i have, he's smiling and laughing or making a funny face. i just don't get it. i can't understand. i just saw him thursday night, his girlfriend borrowed a hair tie from me. everything was normal and all of a sudden it's fucked up.

i don't know what to do, i want to be there for everybody who's worse off than me. i want to console the people who are frozen and empty from this. but what can you say to a mother, to a brother, to a baby, to a girlfriend who is going to blame herself?

the parents are probably thinking he went to hell and he's being tortured forever. god wouldn't do that, i want to tell them that. some religions belive that suicide is unforgivable in god's eyes. but he must have been out of his mind, i just can't imagine what he was thinking.

i've had a lot of losses lately. in the past year i've lost a lot of people i loved. i keep thinking it will get easier for me to deal with. but it's not like a pet that gets hit by a car and you just go get another one to take its place and name it fluffy 2. it's getting harder and harder to deal with death. i don't get it. and it's different when someone old dies. it's still heartbreaking, but they lived their life and it was there time to go. or someone who's been sick for a long time, you know it's coming and you can try to prepare yourself for it. when it's a young person who goes out of the blue and no one expected it, you feel totally lost. like when my dad's boss died, he got electrocuted trying to fix something at work. it was so sudden, no one knew what to do. there are so many things to take care of when someone dies. when you're old or sick, those arrangements have pretty much been made already. when it's sudden, all you want to do is grieve and be with family. you don't want to go to funeral homes and pick out a casket, you don't want to pick a grave site, you don't want to pick out a headstone, you don't want to go through his closet and find something for him to be burried in, you don't want to take your black suit to the dry cleaners, you don't want to make the calls to family and friends to tell them they are gone, you don't want to move, you don't want to talk. it's hard enough just trying to take a deep breath.

22nd February 2006

12:45am: soggy pillow again
i feel out of place. i was at work thinking, 'what am i doing here?" it still feels like i'm just visiting here. i miss cincinnati, my friends, and the life i had there. i don't feel right here, it's wrong. i want to cry every morning when i'm driving to work. it's not that it's so bad here, the people are okay. but i rememeber that i'm not going to see dustin or hilary or adam or marcia or any of the people i love in cincinnati. i call them almost every day. hilary left me a voice mail yesterday morning crying and telling me things aren't the same. they aren't the same. i try to look forward to things here. i try to get excited about lindsay and wendy moving back here after they graduate, but they might stay in columbus. i try to get excited about seeing them when they're in town for a weekend, but it's not the same anymore either. i've lost it with them. they have their lives, moving on from college and new jobs. i'm not fun anymore. i don't want to leave the house.

it's such a change to be here again. last time i was living in wadsworth i had jd and i was going out and having fun. in cincinnati i was always having fun and going out and surrounded by people i loved to be with. now it's just nothing. i feel dizzy all the time, like i'm having a dream. i want to wake up and be happy. me and nick are going back down to cincinnati for our aniversary in august. the week after that we're going to myrtle beach for 10 days. i'm more excited to be in cincinnati. i'll see everyone again. it's getting me through all these shitty feelings i'm having.

1st February 2006

12:43am: nick started his new job at olive garden today. he's excited and so am i. it sucks that his parents don't support his new career/education choices.

i've started smoking again. *pause to cough* it's been a really hard battle for me. i used to smoke pretty regularly, then only when i drank. the last few weeks in cincinnati were tough on me and i'm a weak person. i was going out almost every night drinking with my friends from work. i was smoking at the bars and then i started smoking on the way to work because it helped calm me down from the anxiety of leaving everyone. i'm really depressed and i hate myself. i feel like i'm 14 again. like my life is out of control and i just can't get stable. i quit my aquatic therapy and the gym a week before we moved. i feel unhealthy and i'm in pain again from my back. i can't even begin to describe how down in the dumps i am. i feel guilty and bad for smoking and then i smoke to feel better. and there are fat people who are still in good spirits and don't look bad. like my aunt cindy, she's been overweight since i've known her. she's lost a ton of weight by doing weight watchers. i'm proud of her, but i think she looked better when she was fat. i don't know how to deal with the weight gain. i used to think i was fat because i had a little extra skin here and there. when i look back at pictures from a few years ago i think, 'i would kill to look that good again!' i don't know how to dress to cover up my new stomach or my huge thighs. we're not really in a financial situation for me to go shopping either, so i'm stuck with the clothes i have. i haven't been shopping, i mean really shopping, like for outfits and stuff since before i got married. a lot of my clothes don't even fit me.

i keep making excuses for my weight. and some of them are real. it's hard to have a healthy dinner when you don't get home from work until 10 pm. it's hard to work out when you don't have a gym membership anymore and you're too depressed to even think about putting on work out clothes. i used to think my mom was fat and i hoped i didn't look like her when i was her age. shit. i look way worse than her now, i don't want to think about what i might look like when i'm her age. she's freaking hot! i need to realize that i can't lose all the weight in a week. nick always tells me, 'you didn't gain the weight fast and you're not going to lose it fast either.' i'm not the type to stick to something i don't like, so i have to find a way of working out that i like. the gym in cincinnati was awesome. i was only allowed in the warm water therapy pool, so i'd do my work out there for my back and then i'd do other stuff. they had hydrotone classes and all kinds of stuff for me. the only place that has a therapy pool in the area is that health and wellness center in fairlawn. the pool is only open certain days of the week and it's 80 bucks a month. me and nick are going to myrtle beach in august and i want to look good by then. when am i going to have the time to work out and eat healthy? it doesn't help that i'm a picky eater. i hate tomatoes and peppers and they are the main ingredients in most of the 'healthy' recipes. i love cheese on almost everything. i can live without red meat and i don't get cravings for things very often. i love salad, but i love bad salads with cheese and bacon and fatty dressing.

this move hasn't helped anything either. i'm so stressed out about everything. there's so much to do and so much to get used to back in wadsworth. fuck this.

30th January 2006

11:31am: here i sit
nick and i are all moved in back in wadsworth. it still hasn't hit me yet. it just feels like we're visiting for a few days and then going back home to cincinnati. i guess home is here now. i'm not thrilled about this move at all. i had to say goodbye to my coworkers at men's wearhouse. my stomach still flops when i think about it. they had going away parties for me the last four nights i was there.

i have a week off to get situated and relax a little. i start at the men's wearhouse in fairlawn on the 5th. i got a promotion that will take affect in late april or early may. i'll be the new operations manager. the guy they have now is moving because his wife is sick or something. i've heard a few rumors about why he's 'really' leaving the company, so i don't really know what's going on. once i start there on the 5th i'll get down to the bottom of things. as long as he leaves and i take his place i don't care.

i'll probably update more now that i have internet again. so we can all be friends again.

23rd December 2005

1:20am: cop killa, blood spilla
it's been a long ass time, but i'm still around. there's been a lot of drama lately, life has just been getting to me as it does each year around this time. we've had money problems like i never thought possible. my medical bills are getting a bit out of control and put us at $-500! we hit zero today and i actually cried from happiness. it was a huge mistake with the hospital. they were supposed to bill us, but they took it right out of our account, RIGHT after we spent nearly all our money on christmas and rent and stuff. we only had a few hundred left in the bank and ZAP, the hospital took it all. not only that, but we didn't know we were negative, so we used our checking account like normal, raking up quite a bit in overdraft fees. fuck me. but all is well again.

i got pulled over by a cock sucking, gerbil raping, damnass fucking cop last week. i stopped my car, turned it off, unbuckled my seat belt so i could reach my purse and registration, and waited for the mother fucker. i wasn't doing anything wrong, so when he asked me why i thought he pulled me over i said, i don't know. my liscense plate stickers were expired. SHIIIIIT. when we got the plates for the car in august, i was thinking i was good until august...not my birthday. i completely forgot about it. i explained to the stinking, rotting, rat's asshole why they were expired and he seemed to understand. he left me and went back to his car. i thought i'd get a warning since i have a perfect driving record and since he seemed to understand my problem. well, the pig shit came back with a ticket with TWO goddamned fucking violations. one was for the expired plate and the other was for...........not having my seat belt on. i believe my exact words were, 'oh hell no. i unbuckled it when i turned off my car' and he said, i only know what i saw when i approached the vehicle. fucking clown-haired douche bag eater. i wanted to bash his skull in. it was very expensive and i was pissed.

nick is still doing the pastry arts thing. he's damn good at it too. just about every day he's making something and i'm taking it into work for everybody. he made doughnuts tonight. dude, you've never had a doughnut until you've had one home made. fuckin' a.

i'm excited for christmas. it's going to be a good one. i have great presents to give out. we got my parents a cell phone and added them to our plan. it's 10 bucks a month and the phone was free with the 'add a line' deal with verizon, which we already had. i got my brother guinness boxers and a bunch of jelly beans, his 2 favorite things other than weed! i got nick a lot of kitchen/cooking stuff...that's all he wanted anyway. so i'm excited.

i've been working a LOT lately. nick finished finals and stuff last week and his last day of work was last wednesday. so we're pretty much getting by on my checks only until he gets another job. suck.

fucking cops.

drew (ashlee: ex-boyfriend, marine corps drew) wrote me a letter. he sent it to my parent's house. i guess he doesn't know me and nick got married. i think i'll write him back when i get a chance. he's over in felluja, iraq so he's probably scared and lonely.

JD called me a few days ago and was excited to see me at laura's wedding...until i told him i wasn't invited. he couldn't believe it. it's okay though, it's only fair. they say if it's been over a year, you don't have to invite them. i don't mind, i couldn't have gotten off work anyway. best of luck to them. it's laura osterland and eric viverca if you don't remember. i am pissed that i missed jd by one day. he leaves wadsworth the day i get there. damnit all to hell. i swear i'll never see him again. he's doing well though and i miss him a hell of a lot.

goddamned fucking maggoty cops.

28th November 2005

11:32pm: it's been a while. kind of a big update here.

nick has decided that he's not going to be a youth minister anymore. he's been thinking about it for a long time and there's just too much he disagrees with in how the churches are run and politics and things. he still wants to volunteer or teach sunday school or something, but he doesn't want to make it his career. instead, he's going to cincinnati state's culinary institute to get his degree in pastry arts to become a pastry chef. it's something he's always messed around with as a hobby and realized a few weeks ago he wants it to be more.

he hasn't decided if he's going to finish any kind of degree at the bible school or just dive into the pastry thing. i'm not going to push him either way. i believe in him and trust him. i know how it feels to quit school to move onto something else. how you feel like you're just hanging from a pole waiting for something to pluck you off and send you in the right direction. it's hard. i don't want to make it harder on him.

anyway, i'm happy he's making this change now while we're young. i can't imagine him telling me this after we've been working in a church for 15 years.

hope everyone had a good thankgiving. if i don't update again, merry christmas too.

18th October 2005

11:34pm: here i am
still no internet at the apartment. we figured out we are not getting a strong enough signal from our apartment. suck.

nick and i went back to wadsworth the last 2 weekends. the first weekend back was planned and a good time for the most part. i got to see my brother's band play and i drank a lot of free vodka and cranberries. it was good to see him. he has a new girlfriend that i didn't like from the second i saw her. she's a flake. i don't think he's really into her. she's the exact opposite of betsy. which, by the way, is the name he gave his new guitar. so i know if he's naming his guitar betsy he's not that into the other chick.

this past weekend we went back to wadsworth. what brought us back this time? a funeral, again. seth hill past away. he was 25. the gaugler's and the hill's were like extended family and all the sons grew up together and were best friends. seth's mom found him in his bed thursday morning. it was unexpected and just horrible. to make it even worse, he had plans to propose to his girlfriend the day he died. he already asked permission from her father. he was going to pick up the ring from the jewelery place and meet her and their families for dinner where he was going to ask her to marry him.
it was hard to see nick such a mess. he didn't cry much when grandpa mauer died, but he was sobbing at seth's funeral. i was too of course. it just seems so much worse when someone young dies, especially when it's not expected. i saw wendy's parents at the funeral, who knew seth's parents. it sucked.

stemp is coming for a short visit and then i'll be returning the visit to see her. she's coming down and we're going to see jason mraz on thursday. then saturday when i get off work i'm going to owu to see her and wendy. i'm excited. i need a little fun after the weekend i've had.

keep it going,
ber

15th September 2005

9:45pm: we still don't have internet at the apartment, but i managed to sneak into the computer lab at nick's school for a few minutes. it's pissing me off soooo bad that we can't get internet at the new place. they're supposed to have free wireless internet...but they've been 'working on it' since we moved in.

the new apartment is great. annie is still being tortured by the squirrels every morning. she wakes us up meowing and chirping at them from our bedroom window. one of them left a half eaten walnut on the outside window sill for her. maybe it was a peace offering. i think it's cute.

the church had a 'thank you/good luck/goodbye' party for us last sunday. we finally decided to quit! i couldn't wait, but i didn't want to pressure nick into quitting just because i hated it. afterall, it was his job, not mine. anyway, nick finally realized it wasn't worth all the trouble it gave us. we can finally have sunday afternoons together to play tennis or whatever we want! i'm so excited.

we've been so happy since the move. nick's been more cuddly lately. he holds my hand and pets me. he used to squirm away when i'd try to hold his hand. we're both in better moods.

better get out of here before campus security kicks me out.

ber

26th August 2005

12:40pm: it's moving day again. i'm relaxing a bit until nick gets home from work.

i took this from ashlee's journal. it's fun. happy guessing!

1. Put your playlist on shuffle.
2. Post the first lines to the first 25 songs to come up (along with these instructions).
3. Have people guess the songs and artists in comments to the post.
4. Post the answers to the ones people guessed correctly. A couple of days later, post the first two lines of the ones no one got and get people to guess again.
5. Repeat, adding the next line to the unguessed songs each time, until they're all guessed/you've posted the whole song/you've gotten bored/no-one's going to get the damn thing if you don't tell them.

1. there was a man on the road
2. save some face SMILE LIKE YOU MEAN IT - THE KILLERS STEMP
3. if you need a friend, don't look to a stranger
4. well i just got into town about an hour ago
5. whatsoever I've feared has come to life
6. busted flat in baton rouge
7. i feel the hot wind on my shoulder
8. living easy, living free
9. oh she's a brick
10. sick and tired of this world ON THE WAY DOWN -RYAN CABRERA ASHLEE
11. at night, she brushed her hand upon my flushed cheek TONIGHT, NOT AGAIN-JASON MRAZ STEMP
12. make up your mind, decide to walk with me
13. yeah my durango, number 95
14. cuz it's a bittersweet symphony that's life BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY-THE VERVE ASHLEE
15. i feel so good, i feel so numb yeah
16. let's get it started in here LET'S GET IT STARTED-BLACK EYED PEAS ASHLEE
17. like to tell you about it now baby, you know she comes around
18. run and tell all of the angels, this could take all night LEARN TO FLY-FOO FIGHTERS ASHLEE
19. spoon in spoon, stirring my coffee SPOON-DAVE MATTHEWS BAND STEMP
20. just like the white winged dove sings a song EDGE OF SEVENTEEN-STEVIE NICKS STEMP
21. at home drawing pictures of mountain tops
22. they pulled in just behind the bridge, he lays her down
23. all i can say is that my life is pretty plain NO RAIN-BLIND MELON ASHLEE/STEMP
24. i can't stand it, i know you planned it
25. awe yea, alright, somebody's heinekin is crowding my icebox
1:51am:

do me  a favor.    it will only take a few minutes.  go to  http://www.ohio.com/mld/ohio/entertainment/    it's the beacon journal website.      under "area entertainment" it will say "festival schedule, listen to mp3's..."  click there.  you'll have to type in some info real quick, but then they'll be a list of bands that are playing there.  scroll down to the 'fat tuesdays jam bands' section and click on "greenleif."   if you know what's good for you, you'll listen to this song.   it's my brother.  if you don't listen to it and comment about how much you loved it, i'm taking you OFF my friends list.     phil risko is on bass, ryan beke is on lead guitar and harmonica, my brother is vocals and guitar and brian parsons is drums.

 

listen to the song.   i grew up with him, i've heard this song a million times.  i've heard all their songs a million times.  i've been their little groupie when they were rhinovagino and funkin' wagnals, before phil and ryan joined in.  i've been there since the beginning.  i love my brother so much.  i'm so proud of him, i'm crying. 

24th August 2005

2:19pm: nick and i are in our first stages of moving into the new apartment. this morning we started moving all the little stuff like bathroom extras, winter clothes, and other stuff we won't need for the next 3 days. on the first trip there we looked around and just took it all in. we have so much more room and closet/cupboard space. we sat out on the balcony for a LONG time just looking at the trees and feeling the breeze. no sirens, no gun shots, no ugly parking lot, no yelling, no honking car horns...just peace and quiet. i was crying because i was so happy there. i've hated this place for soooo long. the perks are good here, but the living space is too cramped and i hate being in this apartment.

nick's parents and brother josh are coming down to help us move the couches, bed, desk, and dresser on friday. then we'll be completely moved in. our first month is free, which i found out today. that's great because nick needs A LOT more books than usual this semester and we'll be able to get them all at the same time. plus, our rent is 100 bucks cheaper each month, our cable bill will be down about 40 or 50 bucks because we get free wireless internet. we'll be doing a lot better financially and mentally. i'm so happy.

the new address is:
1820 sunset ave apt. 9
cincinnat oh 45238

keep it going,
ber
Current Mood: ecstatic

19th August 2005

11:16am: doctor visit
i went to the doctor this morning. i had x-rays for my back and i'm scheduled for an MRI at the hospital later tonight at 8. so far, the doctor says it could be something as simple as lumbago (fancy word for chronic back pain) or it could be lumbosacral neuritis. i tried searching that on yahoo and some medical websites and got no information. but it sounds to me like some kind of nerve damage to my lumbar...right? i've also been having shooting pain in my hip to my knees and my calf has been going numb, which is why i made the apointment in the first place. it feels like broken glass being shoved into my leg. it could be sciatica (fancy word for an inflammed nerve). it's when the nerve has been pinched for a long time and then ruptures and gets infected. gross and painfull. anyway, i'll find out tonight what it is for sure. i just hope it's nothing serious.

shit, i just thought of something. an MRI can see your guts and muscles and stuff...and tampons. that's going to be embarrassing. the doctors will be looking at it and saying, she has a tampon-shaped tumor!!! shit, this is going to suck.

7th August 2005

2:25pm: 15 blocks at midnight

it's been a while.  lots to update about.

week of july 17-23:  lindsay and dave came down for a visit.  we drank a lot, played a lot, and had a great time.  we went to newport, game works, the aquarium, and the beach.    the day after they left me and nick went to see dmb at riverbend.  riverbend is like blossom, it's an outdoor ampitheatre.  it's SO much smaller than blossom, but i think they sell the same about of tickets.  it was so overcrowded, you couldn't dance or even move your arms.  it was probably how the people on the slave ships felt.  to add the disaster of the overpopulated lawn, it was over a hundred degrees, and the crowd sucked ass.  the people were out of control.  one guy pissed in a beer cup and tried to pass it up the crowd to some drunk girls saying that he bought them a drink.  someone discovered it was piss and not beer...and threw it.  it happened again.  people were throwing beer bottles and someone got hit in the head and had to leave the crowd because his head was bleeding all over.  i couldn't believe how the crowd was acting.  at blossom, you'd NEVER see someone act like that.  at blossom it's just a bunch of hippies smoking pot and dancing.  at riverbend it's a bunch of drunk college frat boys screaming and  yelling and pissing in cups and throwing beer bottles and burning people with cigarettes because it's too cramped to move your arm to your mouth without hitting someone.  i will never go to riverbend again.

the next week i worked a lot.  i had my second interview with primerica/citi group.  it went well, i have to schedule a 3rd interview sometime.  we put down our deposit on the new apartment.  we'll be moving in august 24-26.

august 3rd me and nick went to the reds game.  it was an awesome game and we had a blast.  one guy, however, did not have a blast.  he died.  across the isle from us during the 5th inning we started seeing a bunch of staff guys come up, then a police officer.  we figured it was some drunk guy getting out of hand or someone seat hopping.  then we saw a bunch of paramedics.  the section next to us had to clear out of 3 rows to give the paramedics room.  they started to put a tube down a guys throat and were pumping oxygen in him.  it didn't work so they had to use those heart shocker things.  it didn't work.  they wrapped him up in a sheet, put him on a stretcher, and took him down out of the stands.  everyone stood up to show respect.  the family was hysterical, you can imagine.  a little girl behind us said, 'daddy, how come they wrapped that guy up like that?'  he died of heat stroke i think, though it wasn't very hot.  the umpire got hit with a baseball bat and they stopped the game, but they didn't stop the game for the dead guy.  america the beautiful.

august 4th i worked all day, 10-9.  someone called in sick and i was operations manager for the day.  i didn't mind staying, i was stuck at the tuxedo desk for the last 4 hours and it's kind of fun to book weddings and make tons of commission.  after work me, hilary, mike, and bill went out for drinks and some appetizers, mike's treat.  had a good time.

august 5th was our one year aniversary.  we played tennis and some little barefoot black kids riding bikes rode around and got the tennis balls that went off the court.  it was nice.  then we had 7pm dinner reservations at mike finks.  it's an old steamboat from the 1800's that was transformed into a restaurant on the river.  it was good food.  i had a rib-eye that i wished had gone on for miles.  then we went to newport and had some drinks, then to gameworks.  parking in newport, for those who don't know, is scarce and insane.  on the weekends it's 7 to 12 dollars to park in a garage.  lot parking is 5 to 8 dollars.  we drove around for 15 minutes trying to find a parking spot.  the lots were full and we didn't have 12 in cash for the garage.  all street side parking was taken.  we were about to give up when we saw an empty spot!  we pulled in and went on our way.  we had our fun and a few hours later we came back to go home.  our car was gone.  there was a store across the street so we went in to ask if they saw anyting happen to our car.  they said, 'yeah, we had it towed.'  when asked why, they said, 'it was blocking our view.'  apparently in kentucky, if you park across the street from a liquer store, they tow your car.  we didn't see any no parking signs, but there might have been one. we had to walk 15 blocks at midnight to the towing place and then pay $95 to get our car.  the towing place said they were very sorry and that the store does that all the time, even once before in the same night.  it will make for a funny aniversary story in a few years.  oh well.

yesterday me and nick went to rookwood as a kind of extension of the aniversary.  we were there for hours going in a bunch of little shops and finding ideas for decorating our new apartment.  we ate lunch at a place called nothing but noodles.  it was fabulous.  it's a cute little place and the menu is...nothing but noodles.  all meals are noodles.  they had thai, japanese, american, italian...and some i'd never heard of.  nick had spicy japanese noodles and i had basil pesto, but we shared.  both were delicious.  it's our new favorite place.  and it's cheap, nothing over 7 bucks.  i want to take everyone there, so you'll all have to come visit us.

now we're up to date.  nick had to go into church today because there's some meeting about the kids' fall schedule or something gay.  it ruined our aniversary weekend.  it's okay though.  i have tomorrow off work too.  nothing like a 4 day vacation without actually taking any vacation days.  i took the last 2 days of last week off and the first 2 days off of this week.  sweet.  tomorrow we're going to kings island and dinner somewhere 'special.'

it's been a busy and fun couple of weeks.  now i'm looking forward to august 21st.  it's the men's wearhouse picnic...except it's not a picnic.  it's a riverboat cruise.  everything is paid for and there's no drink limit like at the holiday party.

then a few days after that, we're moving.  our parents are coming down to help us move and see the new place.  me and nick found a new park about a week ago and we want to take our parents there for a cookout as a thank you for helping us move.  we're going rock climbing with them too.  we were going to do it for our aniversary, but the more people you take, the cheaper it is, and more fun! 

 my uncle keith emailed me this link to search sex offenders.   i was shocked at how many lived within just 1 mile of our apartment, and even MORE at our new apartment.    check it out and see how many live near you.   http://www.esorn.ag.state.oh.us/Secured/p1.aspx

 

i want some pizza hut.

ber

Current Mood: peaceful

17th July 2005

6:51pm: stemp and dave are coming down here tomorrow for a few days. i've been so excited and busy preparing that i totally forgot about the dave matthews band concert on thursday! i got the tickets fed ex on friday and almost peed my pants. i ordered the tickets back in march, and just forgot that it was july 21st. i think it will be the 15th time i've seen them! it will be a little strange without jd, he's been there with me for all of them except 2. this will be the best week ever!

i've been working a lot, nick too. we have so much stuff to do and no time for it. i guess i could be doing some now...but i want to update a little first.

i had a meeting with some people a few days ago. it's not really a big deal yet, but i'm hoping it will work out. while i was at work earlier this week i got a phone call from a woman. i wasn't really listening to her because i was in the middle of something when i was paged to the phone. then i heard her say something about how impressed they were with my service, blah, blah, blah. it was a woman trying to set up a meeting with me to talk to me about joining their company. the vice president of citigroup (primerica) was a customer at the MW and i helped him. he was so impressed with my service that he wanted me to work for him. all he knew was my first name and where i worked. he had his secretary set up a meeting with him. i went and met him and we talked very casually for a while. then he said it plain and simple that he wanted me to work for him and that i would be an outstanding asset to his company. long story short, i have another meeting with him and some other people next friday. he told me about the job and what i'd be doing and it sounds fun and exciting and awesome. the problem is, i'll be moving back to wadsworth in may for 9 months. it would be a great career and i'd love it, but i think i have to put it on the back burner for now.


keep it going,
ber

6th July 2005

5:09pm: we went out last night with people from work. katie is leaving for afganistan in a week. well, she's going to georgia for training and a briefing. she'll be there for a month, then in afganistan for 15 months. so we had a huge party for her at the back porch in west chester. it's the coolest bar i've ever been to. it's literally a back porch. we had a good time. i drank a lot. my pee smelled like jager this morning, i swear.

today i had the day off so we got some things done that we'd been putting off. we went to sunset gardens (those apartments we checked out back in may) again and filled out some paper work. i can't wait to move in there. it's beautiful. it sucks we can only stay there for 9 months though. around may of next year we'll be going back to wadsworth for nick's internship at northside for a while, then coming back to cincinnati. i hate all this moving, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

i'm going to wadsworth on thursday night for john's funeral service. it's at 11am on friday. i'll probably stay a day or 2, so if anyone wants to get together, give me a call.

stemp and dave are coming down for a visit in a couple weeks. nick and i are so excited. we miss them.

keep it going,
ber

30th June 2005

12:36am: john mitchell died on wednesday. i've been updating about him for the past few months. a few weeks ago, a friend died and he was at the funeral saying, 'we're all dropping like flies.' and now he's gone too. my heart is a knot, i can't take a steady breath. my heart is breaking. he'd been getting worse and worse the past week. he was holding on for something. his daughter was due for her first baby mid-june. doctors induced labor on her this afternoon and she had a little girl. after she got out of the hospital, she went to see her dad and show him his new granddaughter. he got to see her, finally. he smiled and touched her face. he didn't speak, probably because he's so weak. a half hour after he saw her, he passed. the last earthly thing he saw was his granddaughter, who kept him waiting an extra week. isn't it great? God let him stay here so he could see her! i've had a steady stream of tears since my mom called to tell me about it 4 hours ago. i can't tell if the tears are happiness, relief, or sadness. all 3 probably. i'm happy he got to see his granddaughter, i'm relieved he's not suffering, but i'm sad we lost him. he was so wonderful. it's going to be a while before i'm back to normal. i might call off work tomorrow just to adjust to everything. in the past 2 weeks, i've lost 2 relatives. my mental health is not as it should be.

robin read this poem at grandpa mauer's funeral not even 2 weeks ago. it fits john too.

GOD ONLY TAKES THE BEST

God saw you were getting tired
And a cure was not to be
So He put his arms around you
And whispered Come With Me

With tearful eyes we watched you suffer
And saw you fade away
Although we loved you dearly
We could not make you stay

A golden heart stopped beating
Loving hands put to rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

please pray for john's daughter, suzie, and her new baby. i can't imagine having my first baby and losing my father in the same day. please pray for them.

ber
Current Mood: melancholy

25th June 2005

8:49pm: i got off work at 4 today and me and nick went to the beach for a while. it was 98 degrees when i left work...we HAD to go to the beach. it was so hot it was hard to breathe, there was a smog warning and an ozone alert. so now we're back home and it's just starting to cool off.

people are getting together at marcia's house tonight. just drinking and hanging out, maybe playing volleyball or something. nick is coming too and i'm SO excited. we're going to have a good time.

while i'm waiting for nick to finish his ONLY chore for the day (taking out the trash in the bathroom) i'll do this:
b a s i c s

1. name: amber
2. single or taken: taken
3. sex: female
4. birthday: 11/11/1983
5. location: cincinnati, OH, usa
6. siblings: big brother brandon
7. hair color: brownish
8. eye color: blue
9. shoe size: 10
10. height: 5'10"


r e l a t i o n s h i p s

1. who are your best friends?: stemp
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: i have a husband


f a s h i o n | s t u f f

1. where is your favorite place to shop: since i've become poor, it's target
2. any tattoos or piercings: just my ears


s p e c i f i c s

1. do you do drugs?: no
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: aussie
3. what are you most scared of?: i sleep naked and i'm so scared of sleeping through a knock on the door and the maintenance guy coming in and seeing me
4. what is your occupation?: customer service associate
5. who is the last person that called you?: marcia
6. where do you want to get married?: did that
7. how many buddies are online right now?: i don't know, i don't have aim running
8. what would you change about yourself?: my thighs


f a v o r i t e s

1. color: pink
2. food: mexican and italian
3. boys names: court matthew/david james
4. girls names: aurora bethany
6. animals: kitties
7. sports: volleyball and tennis


h a v e | y o u | e v e r

1. given anyone a bath?: nick and annie
2. smoked?: yes
3. bungee jumped?: no
5. skinny dipped?: yes
6. ever been in love?: yes
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yes
8. pictured your crush naked?: back when i had crushes, yes
9. actually seen your crush naked?: probably not
10. cried when someone died?: yes
11. lied: yes
12. fallen for your best friend?: yes
13. been rejected?: yes
14. rejected someone?: yes
15. used someone?: i don't remember any specific time, but i'm sure i have
16. done something you regret?: yes
17. gone streaking? unless you count that time in lindsay's mom's backyard, no


c u r r e n t

clothes: pink bra and pink and red polka dot undies
smell: vanilla blackberry from bbw
favorite group/artist: the wildhearts and dmb are in rotation in my car, they're the flavors of the month
desktop picture: a picture of the shirt i got with the bunnies having sex
in cd player: cd 2 of the wildhearts that gareth made me
in dvd player: a porno, goodfellas, shaun of the dead, and leon: the professional (it's a 5 disc player)

l a s t | p e r s o n

you touched: nick
hugged: nick
you imed: stemp
you yelled at: nick


o p p o s i t e | s e x

what attracts you: a penis and the ability to take out the goddamned trash
last person you slow danced with: nick
makes you laugh the most: nick
makes you smile: nick


d o | y o u | e v e r

sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: no
wish you were a member of the opposite sex? just when i have to sit on a public toilet to pee
wish you were younger: no
cried because someone said something to you?: yes


N u m b e r

of times I have had my heart broken: twice, by my own doing, because i was young and stupid
of hearts I have broken: 3
of guys I’ve kissed: no idea
of girls I’ve kissed: just a few
of continents you've been to?: 1, europe
of tight friends: 3
of scars on my body: 2 small but noticable ones, scars just don't stick to me


F i n a l | Q u e s t i o n s

1. do you like fillings these out?: when it's too hot to do anything else, yes
2. gold or silver: silver or white gold
3. what was the last film you saw at the movies?: alexander
4. most watched TV show at the moment: adult swim (family guy, futurama, aqua team hunger force)
5. who do you want to win American Idol?: i don't watch it, so i don't know
6. what will you do after this?: me and nick are going to marcia's
7. favorite cartoon/anime?: aqua team hunger force
8. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: puffed kashi
9. what did you have for dinner this evening?: baked chicken
10. who would you love being locked in a room with?: stemp
11. could you live without your computer?: it would be hard
12. would you color your hair? never again
13. could you ever get off the computer?: if i could find its penis, i'm sure i could get it off ;)
14. habla espanol? a little
15. how many people are on your buddy list?: i don't know, around 15
16. how many contacts are in ur cell phone?: 30
Current Mood: energetic

22nd June 2005

11:44pm: one of my rollins cd's broke today. i was moving some of the things from the eclipse into the new car, and it broke. i know it's just a cd, but it was the first rollins cd i ever had. and it's a shame because i was just thinking, 'i haven't listen to this in a while," when i dropped it.

i hope everyone saw the moon tonight. the weather man said it was a strawberry moon or something. it was awesome.

the trip back to wadsworth was short, but busy. i got to see stemp, she bought me ice cream, and i got some eye drops. the funeral was 1pm on monday. it was so sad. i cried the entire time, i cried more than nick. nick said the burial prayer and his dad started bawling. he was such a sweet, loving man. robin, the minister that spoke at the funeral, was amazing. me and nick wrote him a thank you letter to let him know how much his words meant to us. grandpa was burried in his birthday shirt. last year was his 97th birthday and he had a huge party where everyone had to bring 97...somethings. some brought 97 peanuts or pennies or buttons, things like that. someone made him a shirt that said, '97 years young.' he loved that shirt. he wore it all the time before he got really sick, so he was burried in it. most people get burried in suits, but grandpa got burried in his favorite t-shirt. then again, grandpa wasn't most people. i'll miss him.

i love my car. i named it jasper. this morning i just woke up with that in my head, so there it is, jasper.

keep it going,
ber

18th June 2005

9:47pm: i pick up my car sunday after church. it's a 2004 saturn ion 3, if anyone cares. it's a wannabe sports car, but it drives so smooth. the ride reminds me of the cougar. very nice.

nick's great grandpa passed away this morning. you all know he hasn't been doing very well. they upped his morphine to one every hour and he went into a coma last night. nick's family called us this morning to tell us he passed. it's one of those deaths that sucks, but is also kind of a relief. he was in such pain and so depressed, he wanted to die. he's not suffering anymore. the funeral is on monday. i'm a little nervous about it, too. i know that sounds weird and selfish, but i can't help it. first of all, nick is going to be a pall barer (he'll help carry the casket) which means i'll be left to myself for most of the funeral service. number 2, since nick is the pall berer i'll have to go to the burial. i've been to a lot of funerals, but i never proceeded to the cemetery for the burial. i've always refused to go, it's such a sick part of the dying process. here, let us lower you into dirt while your family watches and cries and throws flowers in your hole in the ground. sick. number 3, his grandma. i know she's just lost her father, and i'm scared to even think of how she's act. she will either be too upset to notice me, or so upset she takes it out on me. everyone will be giving hugs and saying how sorry they are, and i'll be standing there looking around. nick's family is just so funny about things, i'm nervous.

keep it going,
ber

15th June 2005

12:02am: we found a car. i have to take another day off work this week so we can go pick it up. it's been so stressful. we have all these offers and options flying at us and we just had to say, 'HEY, we need to just PICK something and go for it." we just don't have time (or energy) to check every option out. so we're just going with one. i'll be happy with it. it's an '02 chevy cavalier with 15,000 miles. it's sporty looking, not the lame cavalier i know everyone is picturing! it's the best deal we found. i still have to talk to mike about the MW loan, but my parents are going to front us the money, then we pay her back with loan and pay the loan. it all sounds overwhelming and confusing, but it's all worked out and i'm starting to get excited. we even had the option of going to a dealer's auction. hilary from work used to work for a car dealership and is still tight with her friends there. she gave them a call and explained the situation to the owner. he said there was an auction this thursday and me and nick could come with him. we would pick a car, he would bid on it, we'd pay him cash and drive home. it sounds sweet and i know a few people who got killer cars from dealer auctions for way cheap. we just don't have the time. we finally just picked something and i'm not going back to being unsure about anything or wondering if we're getting the best deal. so far, the cavalier IS the best deal.

beware of flag day

ber

13th June 2005

12:27am: cry me a river
saturday night i had food poisoning AND the power went out on the entire east side of cincinnati for 4 hours. i was by myself puking in the dark. it was a horrible night. i hadn't seen nick in a week (he's been in jamestown for VBS since last sunday) and i was supposed to drive there to see him saturday night. i was way too sick and upset to drive. so he came to see me instead. i was so glad to see him, i just wish i could have been feeling better for his sake.

tonight my car broke down again. it's the timing belt this time. the timing belt controls the pistons and stuff inside the engine. if the belt misses (or gets shredded in my case) the pistons fire at the wrong time and the whole engine is shot. the car is not worth it. i called my boss after it happened (around 9pm) to let him know i'd probably be late or need the day off monday. he said okay, but i know he's getting tired of hearing about stuff like this. i always seem to have some sort of problem. i don't like missing work, but when i'm stressed like this, i'm no good to work anyway. it has to be hard for a boss to hear the same employee having excuse after excuse. but i'm not making anything up, it's not like i'm TRYING to get out of work. i know mike would never say anything about it, but he must be thinking it. i have 3 dying relatives, they could pass at anytime and i'd need a few days off, for each of them. i'm a great employee, i just have really bad luck. if i had friends and relatives around, i could borrow a car or get a ride from someone. it's a lot harder when it's just me and nick. all our problems are our own and no one can help us. i'm not whining about this, as it makes us stronger, i'm just explaining how it's harder than it used to be.

for once though, i'm not worried about money. we may have to get a new car, and i'm not worried about money. i'm just glad we didn't get into an accident and that it didn't happen while nick was still in jamestown. through all the car problems i've had, i've learned that money always works itself out. it goes away for a while, but the supply is always replenished.

cars suck.

keep us in your prayers, please.

ber
Current Mood: cynical

9th June 2005

11:07am: the wind doesn't blow when it's this hot
one of my parent's friends died on monday. he was in a car accident 6 years ago that left him in a wheelchair. he was on disability, but it wasn't enough to cover his bills so he moved into a friend's basement a few years ago. his friend found him dead monday morning. he was still in his wheelchair. nobody knows how he died. my mom said they think that he either overdosed on the painkillers (on accident i'm sure) or the pills caused something to go wrong. either way, it sucks. the funeral was yesterday. my dad was pretty upset. they called him 'crazy charlie' because he was just nuts. he was so funny and never once complained or felt sorry for himself. i remember when i was little and my parents would always have big parties with a cookout and volleyball and a bonfire. crazy charlie was always there cracking everybody up. he climbed a tree with me once. what adult do you know who would climb a tree with a 6 year old kid? he was cool, it sucks he died.

uncle john showed up at the funeral and said, 'man, we're all just dropping like flies aren't we?' my mom said he looked like an old man. he was so pale and his skin was so thin, he just looked like a ghost. he's walking with cane now and in a lot of pain. he's getting worse, the cancer moved into his lungs now. his exgirlfriend was at the funeral too and she couldn't believe what he looked like. my mom didn't even recognize him and she just saw him a few weeks ago. it's so horrible. my mom cried more for john than for charlie.

the assistant manager, katie, is in the national guard. she had a training weekend last weekend and found out that her unit might get called to iraq. she didn't think much of it since there's always a chance they could be sent out. she got her orders on monday and shipped out tuesday for traning and a briefing. it was that fast. in one day, her life changed. she had one day to get everything in order and say goodbye. it might be the last time people see her. she made her will. her boyfriend is in texas for a week and will not be able to say goodbye. she might get the chance to come home for 4 days after the briefing, but then she's gone for 15 months. nobody really knows what to think or say, it was so fast. her sister hilary (who works with me also) can't function. i don't know what to say to her. i know she's dying inside and she's so upset. i don't blame her. stupid war, stupid bush.

our air conditioner is broken. i'm afraid to leave annie here all day in this heat. it's in the 90's again today, and it gets even hotter in here than outside. when i came home from work yesterday, she hadn't eaten anything and her water dish looked untouched. i know she's already depressed because nick's been gone, and with the added heat, she's not feeling well. they were supposed to fix the air yesterday, but they didn't. big surprise. it's unexceptable to live in this heat. if they don't fix it today, i'm telling our lease lady that the apartment is unfit to live in and we want to break our lease so we can go to sunset gardens. poor annie.

i forget the orginal purpose i had for updating, but now i'm off to work.

keep it going,
ber
Current Mood: hot
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